I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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