so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
