I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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