i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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