Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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