my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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