i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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