he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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