I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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