She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
