just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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