I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
