I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
