Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
