I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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