The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
