Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
