I met the friendliest cop last night
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
