Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
