i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
