I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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