we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
