Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
