I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
