How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
