after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
