highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize