Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
