she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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