I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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