it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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