I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
