When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
