lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
