I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
These tits shall not be calmed
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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