i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
