I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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