Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
