i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
