what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
