Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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