Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
