Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
