Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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