Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
