I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
