Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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