She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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