Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
