I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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